If I had to write an epitaph in this moment it may be this. Or what I want to press deeply into every growing human heart. This equation is always balanced from the inside out. Not from depleting your own precious self. I’ve literally torn my heart open from the inside out just to keep giving to people and situations that didn’t respect my worth/ my heart/ my being. I wish someone, a little birdie had whispered this into my ear as a 14 year old girl on the wild journey of becoming. So here I am. Think of me as a tiny bird that lands for three seconds on your shoulder and sings something sweetly into your ear. A melody you won’t have to try and remember because your body will naturally do that for you. Such is the wild art of innate medicine. All you have to do is listen.
Let me rest here with you while the world wiles away into its chaotic dream. We have always been each other’s resting points. We are each other’s landmarks of ease that even from a million miles away dispel disharmony just from being seen.
Today was a beautiful day. Also discovering new music is a gift from the universe. @sashaspielberg aka @buzzytunes made a beautiful EP. This track is called “facepaint” and it really brought something out of me today. Shall I post the whole dance on my IGTV? Does anyone watch those things ? Can I just start doing improvised dance pieces as an actor ? Will it become my next street corner gig ? Oh dear hearts I hope so.
I’m writing every day on set. Writing as many words that come to me about the strange beauty of my everyday life as an actor on set. I think it’s meaningful for you all , for we all, for everyone , to invite the world into our lives and dispel the myths that get created without consent. Tell your story with compassion. It’s all we can do. Photo taken by @domwolczko Layered photo and edit by me.
It takes courage to be an absolute weirdo. Oh thank goodness for true love. When you set down the shame and pain of who others need you to be. Where you can wear nipple tassels and sequined undies and a cape and still be deeply loved and supported and seen. I love you Monk and Skye and Aspen so much. Can we please find time to get lost together soon? This was taken during a photo adventure or rather a life adventure, using cameras to express our purpose . Or really just four women wearing their own color of the human condition on their sleeve or cape for that matter.
Self less no more. Self ish is not a sore word you apply to a wound but a salve to the burn of non reciprocal giving. Selfie with my phone. The phone a device I hold like a sword to my own tending. It’s clumsy. And occupies too much of my time. It’s sharp in the way it cuts invisible lines inside of me. And yet and still , I wield. I wield. And bend. To allow it room to point me in the direction of my own healing. A social virus. A tool of my own lifetime. A lifeline in the open sea of the human condition. I feel like my time with it is almost done. Selfish. Self love that puts the phone down when I’m looking for connection. And I simply look within. Almost my love. Almost there.
My dream dance partner finally emerges. This is my practice before bed. This is my ritual. And now it’s ours , whenever he graces me with those tiny spinning curls. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ gosh I love you baby boy.
Throwing back to the time I transformed myself into a sitting flower nude at the funeral parlor of my own glorious heart. From a music video directed by @alia_pop from a song by my band @theshoeperforms entitled “Dead Rabbit Hopes” online in every place you wanna find it.
Diving deep and well into that open hole of creation. Nearly 24 years of working in film. And this next project might be the closest to my heart. Underwater til 2019. Lots of love. #lorelei
Those that see the devil in me , are devils. Those that see god in me , are gods. Because I am not me , I’m just a mirror.
Becoming a mother is mostly about learning to mother yourself. Which has taken me 2 and half years to truly realize. Caring for yourself in such a deep and authentic way that there is a natural surplus in how it extends out of your body. When I mother for others there is always a depletion that doesn’t get addressed. It’s a wild and holy practice. Letting my maiden grow into her own mother. Loving myself so deeply that loving others is simply a reverberation of that self love. A practice. A constant exploration where curiosity thrives and conclusions fall away. I’d love to hear from others on this journey. 📸 by @aliyanaumoff a million years ago in nyc.
A young bloom that wore an old tune. 21 years old. Photo by my brother from another mother @mblash
Reclaiming the art of falling apart.
I want to hear your story. Your silence is a wound worth healing. The world is listening. Finally. We , the people, have the power to change the collective story we are passing down to our children. I’ve recently learned about a website that is collecting stories you share ,anonymously or publicly , however you want to tell it. Amassing a narrative of truth that can change the world as we know it. If you are survivor of sexual assault and have lived with that weight too long I wanna offer you safe space to reclaim your voice. Please follow the link in my profile. #hearusnow Thank you @amberheard for making me aware of such important and timely movements.
Depression, sadness, hurt, pain, loneliness , fear..... all these are only words that carry half of the real definition of what it means to truely live in these states of being. The real all encompassing word we are searching for is : AWAKENING. Be gentle with your processes in this. Honor the greater teacher in these temporary states that are only pushing us into a higher state of being / awakening/ becoming.
Mama, how do I learn to forgive someone? Oh my darling , first you must begin the journey of loving yourself. That’s where you can truly learn how to forgive another, by forgiving and really loving yourself. —— With tears just falling and falling down my face , it’s with love and grace , that I can finally let my own forgiveness touch my own face. Swaying here , in the only arms Ive ever needed , love is just pouring out of me and on to all the ones that I’ve let hurt me. And in turn I have hurt so greatly. I see you. I love you more now then I ever have. And I forgive you. I accept where you are. And I’m rooting for your light in whatever form it takes you on the journey ahead. I’ve had such incredible teachers this year. Thank you for being such clear mirrors of the work that had been left undone. I love you and this journey back to my center.