On a cold night we sipped hot beverages & escaped Dracula’s tomb. #escaperoomexperts #relationshipgoals
#tbt to when I worked at Chess King before the amnesia destroyed my past memories of being raised by an ostrich farmer outside of Tasmania, Australia. I found my old journals written on Mad Lbs which keyed me in on who I was and am. One excerpt said, “I find myself thinking about PENIS ROCKETS and seeing myself as the KINDLY PIRATE MECHANIC with a heart made of CLAM JUICE.” Powerful. After being recruited by an undercover prostitution ring that doubles as an elite group of assassins calling themselves The Ladies of the Night’cha Got Fucked (Up) I studied with their madam / general Mrs. No who was more of a mother to me. Once when I was sick with a rare case of fire diarrhea she sat up all night with me holding an extinguisher right at the cusp of my anus. I formed my new identity, @DaneCook soon after and vowed to use my abilities for good through the vessel of humor. There is so much more to this story. Things like when I managed OutKast / Speakerboxxx through their breakout days, how I invented the TV show Shark Tank when it was still called “Your Idea Sucks (Wait Not You).” How I also was gifted a card from Hot Topics and through fate saved a mans life from choking to death when he tried to swallow that Nirvana shirt with the yellow font in the front window that no one has ever bought and makes you wonder why corporate keeps it there. Stay tuned team. I’ve got more to tell right after I do my cold yoga cryo class.
There is no better place to be when your crowd is laughing & you’re having the same amazing great time performing for them. I was thinking about all the emotions I’ve worked through while standing on a stage for most of my life. I’ve performed with uncertainty, frustration, depression, delight, regret, resilience, grief, love, enthusiasm, boredom, belief, confusion, detachment, anger, introspectiveness, joyfulness, cluelessness, reveling, revealing, hopelessness, hopefulness — and this is just during one show. #rimshot But seriously folks. I’ve put everything in me into my performances and I’ve had my performances take everything out of me. Thank you to everyone that ever sat in a seat to watch me feel something too in life. I’ve enjoyed it all in those moments or in hindsight. This next year of shows are going to be a blast. #2018 #wordoftheyear #fortuitous
I’m so excited Jesus is delivering my “last lunch” on this good Friday afternoon. My kinda sorta buddy Judas just left so that’s probably best as I don’t need no biblical drama and shit. I am assuming that my wheat chicken wrapture & salad will be bread & wine which totally goes against my current diet. Jesus had great abs for a guy that ate bread & wine all the time. Once time I used Postmates to deliver some burgers & fries and Buddha delivered my meal which ended up being 55 giant burgers and 55 orders of steak fries. #imhungry
#wbw to the worst poster for a restaurant I’ve ever seen.
I don’t know this woman but I care about her so much and didn’t expect the news to show her slow falling on ice. I literally reached towards the tv and tried to catch her. Sorry mystery lady that your young friend has terrible reflexes.
Day 2 of a year filled with tons of new ventures & adventures. I ushered in 2018 with two shows that were made up of 2 new hours of comedy (more on where and when to see me live & on TV / film) and an invention I’ve been noodling a while. Yup.. I’m getting all entrepreneurial in my down time. Don’t worry I’m not coming out with my own line of sweat pant jeans called Daneim Jeanz. Thank you to everyone who came out on NYE & Day 1 - you were just aces. 2018 is going to be a ferociously successful year for anyone that puts their mind to work, their body to the test & their soul into all of it. I can’t wait to celebrate victories with friends & fans alike. We all took knocks last year. We watched as heros failed us & how those without a voice were heard loud & clear. Tons more work to do and if you are not giving back to your community how can you have the environment to surround yourself with the habitat necessary to focus inward? 2018 here we go!
-12 with a wind chill of 32 below but we’re about to heat up Minnesota & ring in 2018 in style.
I’m lookin’ at 2018 like, “you better be cool yo” #wheniflexmylipsdissapear #bostonstrong #futureman #allthingspossible
A few memories from an unforgettable Christmas! #foodcoma #football #moregravy #friends #family #bestgfever #richardslongesttoastinashistory #sillydancing #singingallday
I am so grateful to do what I love, share it with people I love & come home to a house I love. I appreciate all the opportunities I’ve had as well as the opportunity to try even when the results varied. Life is so strange & interesting. It’s a constant challenge & sometimes the darkest corners are where the brightest rewards are garnered. Each year you have to set a course of action, write down what you are capable of and start moving to the center of your goals. 2018 is going to be another tremendous year. There will be hurdles to jump so stay limber. There will be side tracking ordeals so learn to improvise. Most of all there will be days filled with whatever you pour your heart and soul into so take full advantage of them anytime you can. Let go of negativity & allow the pain to pass. As a member of the “I wonder if it’s possible” club I can proudly tell you YES you can make something a reality from a realization. #forward #onwardandupward
I was playing #playerunknownsbattlegrounds or #pubg as the cool kids call it & this guy thought he could stand in the middle of the road and shoot me with his M16A4. I rammed him directly and he landed in the bed of my pick up truck. Gotta give it to him. Even in death he clings to his weapon. #RIPplayerunknown
Happy 2nd birthday to @AlwaysChopper !! His bday treat went under the couch and he gave us a good laugh. #determinedpuppy
Upon other obvious reasons, #AlabamaSenateElection voters should vote Doug Jones because he looks like Dick Van Patten from ‘Eight Is Enough’ while Roy Moore’s mouth looks like a crack in the space time continuum.
Impromptu bday dinner for Pollmann. Fogo was kind enough to let us stay seated while they tested their evacuation protocol in case of earthquake.
Had the strongest feeling that my pop was around me today. I haven’t felt that in a long time. Felt nice. Miss him. #George